Blogger OD's on Popcorn, Checks Into Promises Rehab

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - I caught myself composing a mental grocery list during this incredibly long and convoluted movie. But you really can't blame me - Johnny Depp is barely even in it and that's the only reason I was there. Instead, countless plot twists that no sane person can follow are hurled at the audience every five seconds for pretty much no reason other than to detract us slightly from Keira Knightly's inflated upper lip. And that doesn't even work.

Black Book - Surprisingly entertaining. WWII thriller about a Jewish woman who loses her family, goes undercover for the Dutch Resistance, seduces a high-ranking Nazi officer, and lots of other things I won't go into in case you actually want to see the movie without me ruining it. Carice van Houten, who I'd never heard of before, is adorable and gives an amazing performance. Director Paul Verhoeven (of "Basic Instinct" and "Showgirls" fame) clearly knows how to titillate an audience. Don't bring the kids.

Spider-Man 3 - The Emo Peter Parker twist is so painful it's funny. It was like watching a joke movie half the time. I'm pretty sure people were high when they shot this film. You could cut twelve hours out and not lose any important plot lines. That said, it wasn't so terrible. I thought Spider-Man fans were a little generous with the first two movies anyway.

I won't leave until I've burned 500 calories, which is half as many as were in the burrito I ate for lunch

When it comes to exercise, I'm one of those  people who prefers health clubs to the great outdoors. In my warped little mind, it feels more authentic to exercise this way. I mean come on, any psycho murderer can run around the block and call it cardio, but real pros go to Fusion Fitness. The fabricated ritual appeals to me. I get dressed in all the appropriately clingy-yet-breathable garb. I drive to the appropriate location. I park. I smile at whoever's working the desk. I diligently work through my 1.5 hour routine (45 minutes on the elliptical, half an hour on weights, 15 minutes bike, with periodic trips to the drinking fountain by the massage center, not the one by the bathrooms because that one might be recycling toilet water). I try not to make eye contact with anybody who looks like they might be on steroids. And I always carry around a fresh towel to dab away excess sweat. Not that I sweat or anything. I'm too pristine for that. But if I ever did, even though I never would, I'd be polite about it and CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF.

But going to the gym is always a crap shoot, because you never know who's going to step in and ruin your pleasant little fabricated ritual. Here are some of the people that have taken credit lately:

• The guy on steroids who asks if he can “work in” between my two sets of reps because he just absolutely has to be on this particular machine at the same time as me, and of course I have to say yes because I'm afraid of him, and then he leaves the bench all sweaty
• The girl talking to herself on the treadmill adjacent to mine, which isn't really a problem, obviously medicated people need to excercise too, it's just that now she's actually kind of shouting and if I turn my music up any louder I'll probably go deaf
• That naked woman hanging out in the locker room who can't bring herself to put some damn clothes on even though she's obviously not showering
• The dude who grunts in an uncomfortably sexual way during his bench press
• That chick who stole my Vogue magazine that was literally four inches away from my feet while I was doing sit-ups, and then gave me a dirty look when I found her reading it on the last bike way back in the corner and reclaimed it, I mean that was ridiculous the way she made me feel guilty about reading my own magazine, and now she also knows where I live

I'd go on, but I actually do have to go to the gym pretty soon so I can time my elliptical workout with an episode of “House Hunters”. Those personal TVs they have on all the machines now...GENIUS!

Legitimate Questions, Part Two

I've been asking the following question for years, and have yet to be satisfied with a decent answer:

• At a major league baseball game, does the batter himself pick the particular song the stadium plays as he walks up to the plate, or is a random song designed to perk up the crowd, and not to be associated with the batter specifically?

I ask this because sometimes the song choices are kind of bizarre. Obscure country tunes, for example. Not exactly an obvious genre to get people on their feet. Or songs in Spanish. Yes, I realize that quite a few major league baseball players originally hail from Spanish-speaking countries, but wouldn't it be a little presumptuous to go Spanish unless the player asked you to? What if you picked a really crappy song and put them in a bad mood and made them strike out?

Or take last night, when Giants batter Pedro Feliz walked out to "Master of Puppets".

Master of Puppets? That song came out over 20 years ago. It's hardcore 80s speed metal. It's also a really good song if you can get past the cocaine and death references, but still. I find it hard to believe that AT&T Park's audio tech threw out "Master of Puppets" for no better reason than that the track just happened to be laying around. Or did he? Do batters have better things to think about than their at-bat song? I have no idea. Do you have any idea?

Bonus points if you're actually a major league baseball player, because I also have some questions about your uniforms.

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Update: Guess why Wikipedia is the BEST THING EVER?

Links

Where to find me online, besides here:

• My tumblelog - Online snippets featuring photos, videos, and text. It's a great alternative to longer-format blogging.
• My travelogue - In 2006, I took a year off to travel the world and documented my experience through stories, photos, and videos.
• Flickr - I upload my favorite photos here.
  
• del.icio.us - A library of bookmarked sites I like.
• Facebook - I'm not super into Facebook, but stop by every so often.
• Pownce - Right now I have 788 friends requests, which is completely overwhelming, so until I become a superhuman I probably won't be able to add you as a friend. Still a great service though.
  
• My LinkedIn profile
• Reel/Resume
• Revision3 Forums - I spend a fair amount of time at my employer's show forums, reading and responding to member feedback.

A Life-or-Death Game of iPod Shuffle

Sometimes when I feel you're not being attentive enough, I write stupid titles like that. To wake your ass up. This is a life-or-death blog! I'm lying, of course. But did it work?

And sometimes when I've got nothing to say, I call out to the Internet for some inspiration. And by call out I mean that I spend several hours reading dlisted and icanhascheezburger and postsecret and call it research. With very little guilt attached, if any. It's research.

Today's inspiration comes from Heather Armstrong, who I have a mild platonic crush on because she's brave enough to write about things I could never write about, like depression, and religion, and pooping. I mean I could write about all of those things, but I'm not sure how that would affect OUR relationship. That is, yours and mine. Sure, it's possible that you want me to talk about poop, but my gut says the opposite. Gut! Poop! Ha ha ha!

Instead, I'm going to copy Heather's idea of writing about the first ten songs that come up when I put my iPod on shuffle. Which could prove embarrassing, because I impulse-buy Fergie songs, or boring, because at least a third of my music collection is based on what other people assured me I would like but that I've never actually bothered to listen to because I'm busy jogging to Fergie songs. Sorry, real-life friends. I guess it's time you knew I rarely take your musical advice. But I have devoted precious gigabytes to your impeccably good tastes, and that should count for something.

First Song: "Hell is Chrome" - Wilco

Oh nice. I call this Wilco's "Peanuts" song, because of the piano right off the top. Peanuts as in Charlie Brown, not as in baseball. Of course the rest of the song is not at all reminiscent of "Peanuts", just those first three seconds. Wilco does that a lot. See, they want you to pay attention just like I want you to pay attention, except that they're musical geniuses and I'm just annoying. A friend of mine once called Wilco "a band for grown-ups", and while that description would normally have me running for the non-contemporary hills, I have to agree. I feel grown up listening to Wilco.

Second Song: "NARC" - Interpol

You either love Interpol or you want to drown them in their own musical monotony. I happen to be in the former category, mainly because Interpol reminds me of when I used to hang out with the emo-electroclash kids at the Arrow Bar five years ago. Which was a fabulous time in my life, btw. I've never seen Interpol live, but my friend Heather (Frank, not Armstrong) has and she said they were totally unimaginative and played their set exactly like the songs sounded on the album and even in the same order. Which kind of appeals to me because that's exactly what I usually don't like about live shows. Too much guesswork. Too many chances to eff up my favorite track with some some unique spin. Props to Interpol. Up with monotony.

Third Song: "Dumb" - Nirvana

Senior year of high school. My friends and I liked the part where he says "and have a hangoverrrrr", even though our poison of choice was Coors Lite and not actually glue. True story: the day after Kurt Cobain killed himself, a handful of us walked around school with little blue ribbons safety-pinned to our shirts. To memorialize him. I don't make this stuff up.

Fourth Song: "O Maria" - Beck

Eh. I like Beck and am intrigued by what kind of company he'd be if he were, oh, sitting across from me at the Omelette Express for Sunday brunch, but I don't love Beck on the same level as many of my hipster friends. Although to their credits, my hipster friends would probably not put "O Maria" at the tops of their lists. I also dock points from a song with a woman's name as a title. It's difficult not to imagine some chick named Maria squealing when she hears it at a frat party because OMG they're playing that Beck song about her.

Fifth Song: "Horses" - Palace Music

Ok, I've never heard this song. But I know who Palace Music is. Another group that people cooler than me nod their heads in agreement about. It's ok I guess. His voice is a little thin. I know that these days singers with wide ranges of ability can make it and be respected, but I think I could have probably pulled off this song as well as he did. And I'm a terrible singer.

Sixth Song: "Chicago (Multiple Personality Disorder Version)" - Sufjan Stevens

I prefer the original version off the Illinois album. But I definitely like songs with hand-clapping sound effects, so this passes. I've never seen a photo of Sufjan, and I hope that I never do, because my imagination has concocted something very, very specific and I'm almost positive that the real Sufjan will disappoint. Like the first time you see your favorite radio personality on a highway billboard and you're horrified and scarred for life. It should be illegal to do things like that to people.

Seventh Song: "Mercy Mercy Me" - Marvin Gaye

This is unfair, iPod shuffle, because while I really, really love Marvin Gaye, I really, really don't love this particular song. And I'll tell you why. Around 1990, I used to babysit this kid whose parents had a satellite dish (I lived in the sticks and nobody even had cable yet, so this was a technological marvel). Nothing except the Disney Channel ever came through, though. One night I was watching that god-awful Mickey Mouse Club and two kids (possibly Christina and Justin) sang "Mercy Mercy Me" as a duet. And it was so bad and awkward and inappropriately mature that I've hated it ever since. Just one more thing to blame on Disney. Although "Herbie Fully Loaded" was plenty.

Eighth Song: "No No No" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Now we're talking. One of my favorite albums ever. Love you, Karen O. Until just now I never noticed the irony of the song title next to the band name.

Ninth Song: "Blue" - Smashing Pumpkins

I don't know what my problem is, but I love this band. Especially the early songs. Again, a high school thing. Billy Corgan was my unlikely hero. Of course I'd never even heard of Billy Corgan until after "Siamese Dream" came out, because at that time I was still discovering music exclusively via MTV. My friend Nicole Atkinson once told me that the song "Today" was about taking ecstacy. I wonder if "Blue" is about getting the shit kicked out of you. Hard to say. I'll ask Billy the next time I see him.

Tenth Song: "Invalid Litter Dept." - At the Drive-In

My old hairdresser used to date the singer in this band. But then I think he went to med school and they got a new singer. Or something. I don't remember her story well enough to know if I'm listening to the guy I don't technically know but feel like I know through her, or the guy I don't know at all. He yells a lot about a wishing well in this song, which is awesome either way.