I am yours. You are mine. We are what we are.
September 24, 2010 Four days ago was the sixth anniversary of my dad’s passing from our mortal world. An unremarkable anniversary, a little late.
A friend of mine gave birth to her first child not long after my father died. A couple weeks afterward, in fact. At the time in 2004, I was a wreck… an autopilot version of myself. Fully functional on the outside, catatonic on the inside. On the precipice of spending a couple of years living someone else’s life in order to escape the great sorrow that consumed me. And I remember how touched my friend was by my experience as she was about to begin her own. Touched in a way I didn’t understand beyond knowing that it’s a big deal to have a child. A happiness I was (and still am) incapable of totally pulling together.
This same friend brought up my father’s death the other night as we were catching up, sipping wine at some trendy bar I had suggested. The topic was completely appropriate and unquestionably appreciated. And I am deeply ashamed to admit that if she hadn’t said anything, the date wouldn’t have triggered anything in my mind. At all. I had forgotten that September 20th was the day my dad died.
I’m not some sort of a monster. I mean, ask me the details of the day my dad died and I’ll tell you that it was a Monday, and it was late, and I was sitting in my living room chatting on IM in my pajamas when the phone rang… and it was a call I expected, so that when the news was delivered I felt some kind of gross satisfaction that yes, this was the exact call I expected to get just now and here it is, I’m right… and then I walked around the block 40 times chain-smoking cigarettes because I had mentally left my body and was immune to reason and judgment and nothing irresponsible I did mattered because all I wanted was to be closer to him. I remember taking a shower to get the smoke off me and thinking that if this was all a dream, I’d be so impressed because oh how it felt so real. I remember that earlier the same day I reluctantly told my boss that I was probably going to have to take some time off, because I knew it was coming, and telling him that made it real, and it didn’t want to have the conversation but by doing it I was being responsible career-wise. And I told him and we both cried. And then what I knew would happen, happened.
I haven’t forgotten any of it. Yet six years later, September 20th was just another day, and I let it go by, and I didn’t call my mother. And I realize that our brains do these things to us because we need protection, we need to go easy on ourselves, we need to forget in order to be productive. We need to be successes and we need to get things done and we just can’t bring the bad stuff into the fray because then we won’t be productive and people will think less of us. I realize all of that. And yet, I’m ashamed.
I miss you, Dad. I’m sorry I forgot. And I wish you were here to smile knowingly at all of this, because I know you would. I got this from you. And then you’d wink at me because you know how much I hate it and I’d yell at you and be SO ANNOYED.
How’s that for my first blog post in four months? Whew. Weight lifted. Shoulders back. Thanks for reading.
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Sara: Is this webpage on autopilot or what? Ever since last Feb. 2011 (of almost a year ago) there's been a bunch of spammers invading here since July with like that Mulberry handbag stuff, of it like junk that needs to get out of this system. To flush it out. And like in a James Burke CONNECTIONS kind of way, you like fasting too, of you'd think that the internet antibodies would have gobbled this up and spit it out, but no such thing like the REAL world of our own bodies with the power to do such. Like in that Jerry Orbach "Mysteries of the Unknown" TV show of the late 1990s about the woman who was sick and fasted and then ate just one blueberry and was cured. Hey! It's blueberry time. (;-) And that was the ingredient you needed too after your taking three shots of whatever to drink #__ hours after that 30-second treadmill run on the return to your show? Did it work? Or did you just keel over and sleep it off? Inquiring minds would like to know. (;-) What was your antidote to counteract those drinks? In high school science class I remember the formula of for every action there is an equal and opposite re-action. Of invaders like parasites to leech on for only so long, and then they dis-solve, from the word solve, of "To find a solution to (a problem)." From the Latin word solvere of "to loosen". Thus the attachments here to be loosened please by you too. And not to loosen the memory of your father having died, but to re-member him, as be-longing to your organized body, that although he be gone physically, his memory remains and with the Glutathione protein produced naturally in the body, this is (as I did write back on Sun., Aug. 5th, 2007 while researching this for my mother but too late as she died just over 10 days later) "the most important brain antioxidant", to dent away these cobwebs or whatever. The "necessary raw material" to produce it being natural ingredients like mill thistle (an herb), selenium (found in some cereals), and avocados. Of this protein word found by a GOOGLE search back then of "Chronic fatigue" radiation and "kidney failure" for my mother. Hoping that this can now help others. And as your mother might have said in maybe one of those 105 T.V. episodes of "The Virginian" is HOW I got here today, of her maybe quoting Roy Rogers and Dale Evans of: "Happy Trails" to you; -- Joe H.
In this world we are for others and it is must.But in a time they have to leave us.And in that we hardly find that types of persons whom we can share our feelings.
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I have no idea of what it is to lose your dad. Now that I been thinking about it, I just realized that I haven't think about it yet. I know it's gonna happen, eventually. But I guess my mind won't bug me with that until the time arrives.
I'm sorry about your dad, I hope your life gets better.
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Always enjoy your show with Leo and find you professional and entertaining. I was touched by your post on your day and your father. My father died two and a half years ago and only now am I not thinking daily of him. I was prepared for his passing but it has been much more of impact than I could ever of imagined. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. All the best