I am yours. You are mine. We are what we are.
September 24, 2010 Four days ago was the sixth anniversary of my dad’s passing from our mortal world. An unremarkable anniversary, a little late.
A friend of mine gave birth to her first child not long after my father died. A couple weeks afterward, in fact. At the time in 2004, I was a wreck… an autopilot version of myself. Fully functional on the outside, catatonic on the inside. On the precipice of spending a couple of years living someone else’s life in order to escape the great sorrow that consumed me. And I remember how touched my friend was by my experience as she was about to begin her own. Touched in a way I didn’t understand beyond knowing that it’s a big deal to have a child. A happiness I was (and still am) incapable of totally pulling together.
This same friend brought up my father’s death the other night as we were catching up, sipping wine at some trendy bar I had suggested. The topic was completely appropriate and unquestionably appreciated. And I am deeply ashamed to admit that if she hadn’t said anything, the date wouldn’t have triggered anything in my mind. At all. I had forgotten that September 20th was the day my dad died.
I’m not some sort of a monster. I mean, ask me the details of the day my dad died and I’ll tell you that it was a Monday, and it was late, and I was sitting in my living room chatting on IM in my pajamas when the phone rang… and it was a call I expected, so that when the news was delivered I felt some kind of gross satisfaction that yes, this was the exact call I expected to get just now and here it is, I’m right… and then I walked around the block 40 times chain-smoking cigarettes because I had mentally left my body and was immune to reason and judgment and nothing irresponsible I did mattered because all I wanted was to be closer to him. I remember taking a shower to get the smoke off me and thinking that if this was all a dream, I’d be so impressed because oh how it felt so real. I remember that earlier the same day I reluctantly told my boss that I was probably going to have to take some time off, because I knew it was coming, and telling him that made it real, and it didn’t want to have the conversation but by doing it I was being responsible career-wise. And I told him and we both cried. And then what I knew would happen, happened.
I haven’t forgotten any of it. Yet six years later, September 20th was just another day, and I let it go by, and I didn’t call my mother. And I realize that our brains do these things to us because we need protection, we need to go easy on ourselves, we need to forget in order to be productive. We need to be successes and we need to get things done and we just can’t bring the bad stuff into the fray because then we won’t be productive and people will think less of us. I realize all of that. And yet, I’m ashamed.
I miss you, Dad. I’m sorry I forgot. And I wish you were here to smile knowingly at all of this, because I know you would. I got this from you. And then you’d wink at me because you know how much I hate it and I’d yell at you and be SO ANNOYED.
How’s that for my first blog post in four months? Whew. Weight lifted. Shoulders back. Thanks for reading.
Reader Comments (137)
Thank you for sharing Sarah,
My first year without my dad is coming up soon. I miss him so.
Stay strong and you.
Sincerely
Michel T.
Missing someone never stops... for no two people are alike. Time heals the hurt of loss, and good memories fill the space. Thanks for sharing your deeply felt thoughts. You are courageous. I know your Mom and now a little of your Dad. It makes me want to know you!
Thanks for bringing up the real things that matter in our lives; grief has a way of bringing us back to the essence of life. Your expressions and feelings behind an intimate loss helped all of us better understand true meanings of our life.
Thanks for your precious thoughts.
And even when you forgot to remember him, your dad, as always, is still as proud of his little girl as he ever was and watches your life with the pride of a father and see's in you a job well done.
On September 20th 2006 my daughter was born.
this is lovely, and sad, Sarah. I'm a fan from hearing you on TWIT, and this is just another reason why.
I remember how time stopped when I got the call for my Dad, and then my Mom ten years later.
there is nothing that comes close to that moment.
I too think we protect ourselves from it.
and perhaps, our loved ones afford us a bit of their protection, too.
Very touching Post Sarah. First in a long time I have read something with such emotion. Very sorry for your loss that day.
And itstead of mourning your death, I’d rather celebrate your life
Elevate to new height, step on the gas and accelerate, Imma need two mics
Cuz the way that I’m feelin’ tonight, everything I can just do right
There’s nothing that I can do wrong, I’m too strong and I’m just too hyped
Just finished the rhyming (??) and excuse the corny metaphor
They’ll never catch up to all this energy that I’ve mustered
So God just help me out while I fight through this grievin’ process
Tryna process this loss is makin’ me nauseous
But this depression ain’t takin me hostage
I’ve been patiently watchin’ this game, pacin’ these hallways
You had faith in me always
Proof you knew I’d come out of this slump, rise from these ashes
Come right back on they asses, and go Mike Tyson on these bastards
And Imma show ‘em, blow ‘em out the water slaughter ‘em homes
I was looking for you to send some silly thing about iPads and I find myself touched emotionally in a way that i just didn't expect.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life.
Hello, I only just discovered your blog after viewing an interview of Jason Freid on youtube. Touched by your story, yes, completely. However, I can't help but disagree and I don't see how adding a 57th comment on how right you are will help you in any way. Grief is part of life, and losing a young parent is tragic, overwhelmingly sad and unfair. Living the moment is important, and productivity comes
second. That you should feel like others would think less of you if you were not productive shouldn't be a consideration. Who would think less of you? Why should that matter? Are those same people there for you in time of need? Sure, life goes on and we must work, but running away from feelings and not living each moment in the moment is not the answer. No one can be prepared for a parent's death, no matter how much we feel we are or how much we were expecting the call. Perhaps the anniversary date is not the real issue here. Best wishes.
How do you forget the date your father died?
Good lord.
You always struck me as a little overly self-consumed and phony when I saw you on TWIT.
Now I know why.
I refuse to remember the day that my mother died. I choose to remember all the days that she lived. Some of those days were, for me, very infuriating. My mother it seems is where I got my Stubbornessss. There were so many things I forgot to ask her. Those are the times that I miss her the most.
Sarah,
Fear not let your heart be at ease, these things happen, they have happen to me, I cry inside, and try not to let it show. from what I have seen of you over the years as a great pod-caster you bring joy and excitement and fun to my every day that I get to watch live and even if I miss a live show and can still watch the recordings.
Please keep doing what you do and know that you are forgiven, it happens I appreciate you letting the world of your many fans in on such a private part of your life and for that we all love you for being human.
Your number one fan.
/Joe
I realize this is very late in terms of when you posted, but... I lost my mom to lung cancer two weeks ago today and I have gone through the same things in that time period. The first few days, especially the very first, I had no concept of time, everything seemed off. I smoked like a fucking chimney and would be in and out. My mom was probably my best friend. I can never watch Jeopardy again or play Trivial Pursuit without feeling like something is wrong about it.
You are certainly not a monster. My mom died January 4th, 2011 at 9:25am. I made a point of looking at the clock each day at that time, just to remember and I could not make it two weeks it seems. I guess I had the upper hand of being in the hospital with my mom the entire time but, thankfully, I had gone home to take a shower when I got the call. I will never forget the image I saw when I went back to the hospital and saw the door closed with a white flower pinned to it or looking at her laying in bed after she passed away. Life goes on whether we like it or not. We have to function and act like normal human beings.
I am sorry for your loss and this post is probably part sympathy and part cathartic. I am still suffering with my loss but I actually hope I get to the point that it does not pervade my thoughts. Parents never want to live to see their children die but I think children never want to live to see their parents die.
I love the shows, keep them coming.
I can't even remember the day my mother died. Was it August 20th or 22nd 1988 ? I always need to look it up. This year I even totally forgot about it. But there is one thing I do when, at times, I visit a church as a tourist: I light up a candle for her.
My father later had two daughters (now 21 and 19) whom I love like sisters. Without my mother's death I would not have known them. Memories get fainter every year. It's not shameful.
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