2010: A New Hope.
January 5, 2010I meant for the following post to be written before 2009 ended, but since I’m still asking myself what year it is and walking in circles, I figure I’m still within an acceptable time period to participate in the whole year-end blog nonsense. And I’m way past due to write something here anyway, partly because I haven’t since November when I basically said life was peachy and let’s ride off into the sunset, and partly because formspring.me is dumb.
You know what else is dumb? 2009. What a shit year, amirite? Ok, that’s not completely true, but I wouldn’t put it at the top of my list (1990, for example? Great year. Top 5. I went to the Washington Monument!)
For a brief but dreadful part of 2009, I was afraid I was going to die, and although I’ve experienced the process of death from very close range in the past, I’ve never felt as though my own time could be up any second. That was a pretty heavy time period for me psychologically, and I spent too much of it being overly anxious about relapsing, popping lorazepam at the encouragement of my neurologist only to become dependent on it to sleep through the night, and feeling disappointed by a few people I cared about that didn’t (in my eyes anyway) end up being very supportive. Let’s just say I felt lost and alone at times, blah blah.
Then my brain got better and I was really really happy and full of a renewed lust for life, which led me to do some impulsive things, like fly to Paris for eight days without enough seizure medication to last me because I was in some sort of you-can’t-kill-me-I’m-unkillable mania and forgot to refill my prescription, which forced my mother to have to visit my neurologist’s office, pick up my drugs, and smuggle a few days’ worth via FedEx (in order for it not to be seized at French customs, she listed the contents as “plastic toy” and you can imagine the looks I got at the FedEx office in Paris when I picked it up. Whatever, France, all your fashion models are topless, lighten up). Paris was maybe the BEST WEEK EVER.
Thanks, Mom. You were already the best mom to ever walk the great Earth, but now you’re the best mom who throws French laws about transporting prescription medication to the wind so that her daughter can ride on the back of strangers’ scooters and dance on Parisian tables without worrying about ending up in the hospital unconscious and convulsing. Badass.
If anyone from the French government is reading this, I’m totally kidding.
But by getting “better” my life hasn’t exactly returned to how it was before, which has been a difficult transition for me into this new year. Even though I’ve come to tolerate my medication pretty well and it’s become part of my routine, it still makes me feel slow and dizzy and I find that I’m pretty much useless unless I take it right before bed and sleep off the worst of it. I also still can’t drive. I expect to be able to sooner than later, but the DMV paperwork to get your license back in situations like mine is ridiculous. Also, I own a Saab, which just makes the whole thing funnier.
Oh, and the infectious disease specialist that I said I was going to see in my previous post? A real pro, loved her. What she told me - and I think if anyone knows this, it’s her - is that if for any reason I stop taking my seizure meds, that due to the residue in my brain, the likelihood that I’ll suffer another seizure hovers around 50%.
50%? Those are not good odds. I have to take this medication for the rest of my life? Huge bummer. But it’s worth it if it means I’m cool and can soon manhandle the Saab through the streets of San Francisco like the champ that I am. Still coming to terms with that.
All of it aside, I’ve stumbled into this new year a changed woman, at least on the inside. Trite but true. I’m really interested to see how things play out where I can flex this newfound love for everything because I welcome it all, including a free trip to Japan that I earned over 10 years of miles accumulated on shit flights on United (winky face, United!!). And get out your barf bags, but once again I need to thank you all for your undying (really) support throughout all of this. Never have I felt more loved, and I mean that.
A highly condensed version of things I wrote to myself to strive for in twenty-ten:
- Get back into a regular excercise routine, shell of a woman. YOU NEED MUSCLE.
- Let it roll off your back (that’s how I’m saying ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ in 2010, shut up it’s totally better)
- Live your life forward, not backward
- Love and be loved
- Go on a date with Jennifer Aniston (where the f was she in 09?)
That’s pretty much it. Happy New Year, universe. Happy to be here, happy to know you all.
Also? I detoxed off lorazepam on my own and no longer take it to calm myself down or fall asleep. Stay in 2009 where you belong, shithead. I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE!
Reader Comments (94)
Very well said, and congrats on the detox. Drugs are never a good thing.. well prescription drugs at least.
It's good that you had the "balls" to detox yourself - and believe me that DOES take balls. I was on prescription painkillers after a bad car accident that left me with a broken back, so I know what kicking a habit like that is like.
And I know how you feel from the "supportive friends" comment too.. It's amazing how friends can disappear when the going gets tough - not because they don't care, but usually because they don't understand. Don't hate them for it.
You've had people all over the planet pulling for you, and we're so glad you're on the mend. 50/50 odds aren't great, but hell, I've placed bets on less and won !!
If anyone can beat it, you can.. We love you...
Jon (a.k.a. @moldor)
P.S. And your Mom kicks ASS !!!
Sarah, I enjoy the blatant honesty of your post. I also admire your new outlook on things. Glad you can find the good in the bad things that happen. It's all how you look at the things that are in front of you that determine how you feel about them :) You're very talented and I hope 2010 is awesome for you.
You have a super positive attitude considering what you went through. Maybe my resolution should be to be more positive. Good luck to you in 2010.
So happy that all is going to be fine with you. Re-assured that the forces in nature are true and the fittest/ happiest among us are allowed to survive. Be yourself always and everything will be as it should be.
Much happiness to you in this new year Sarah. xo Sherpa
Ever so quietly she emerged from her 2009 cocoon; different yet still the same. She shed her past self, and now was more beautiful than before. With her new wings where once she walked she would now soar...
I love reading your stuff, you're hilarious and a great writer.
Also, 2009 should die a painful death and burn in hell forevermore.
stay strong!
Hi Sarah. Nice to see you still have the spark that we all love. I am glad to hear the news that you are no longer taking Lorazepam, that is a huge step forward! I also believe the year of 2009 sucked balls. I wrecked my motorcycle into the back of an SUV and ended up with what the doc called a "upper tibial plateau fracture". I basically hit my knee so hard that the femur smashed down into the tibia and broke the top of it into 4 pieces. 6 months later and I am walking with only a teeny tiny limp now. Modern bone repair rocks! No more grafts from the hip, no no, now they actually grow the grafts in a lab! Endless supply of bone growing stuff, coooool. So now, onward to 2010. I will gain my full powers of might and rule all the lands! Well, maybe ride a motorcycle again anyways. :-) Take care,
Love You!
JimH
Having your new year's resolution written in 2010 is that bad at all!
I mean you started your year with a good look at the previous one and had a deep thought of what should be in 2010, that alone is considered to be an excellent start!
Trust me, take it from a guy who hasn't thought of his new year's resolution yet!
Anyhow, as i see it, you have good people in your life, yaaaay for Sarah's MOM, and you have some pretty loyal fans/friends from across the globe, i know i am :D
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Zuz,
a fan from Beirut, Middle East :)
You're a strong woman, and you've shown the world that you can kick it's ass when you need to! I know you'll do great things in 2010, and I'm looking forward to reading about them!
Keep writing, and keep looking up!
Lane you're loved.
I know I'm just a random stranger, but if you ever need help with anything just ask. I'll get behind you, and I am sure the rest of your fanbase would! Brain Tumour or not, I still admire you greatly.
Nice post on your New Year's resolutions. I enjoy your work that you do on tech. It is scary to face some dreadful news that you got regarding your medical condition, and you handled it fine. You can find out sometimes who your 'real' friends are when these things happen in your life but keep in mind, they aren't pros at handling bad new either, and they don't always know how to help or support you best.
Now, my real concern is that you want to go out on a date with Jennifer Aniston, please elaborate more on this as the year unfolds! :)
Happy 2010
You let us in your life...of course we love you. And it's so weird because going on a date with Jennifer Aniston was on my list too! You're a trooper kiddo.
"5. Go on a date with Jennifer Aniston (where the f was she in 09?)"
Hmm...where have I seen that before? Maybe you need to ask Kevin Rose for her phone number... :)
Where is the "6. Rekindle the ravenous lust and passion Kevin Rose and I once shared"?! ITS F'N DESTINY, WHY WON'T YOU TWO JUST ACCEPT IT!!! It's like the end of the movie The Breakup (starring Jennifer Aniston) but instead of Kevin losing weight, being the L&O CI guy's brother, and running a tour boat company in Chicago, he's running DIGG...AND you guys get back together!
Oh for the days when all was right in the TechTV world before it all went to sh*t...
Wish you well. I have some of the same resolutions..even the "Go on a date with Jennifer Aniston"
You're such an amazing person Sarah. Its amazing that you've gone through all this and can still sound pretty upbeat in your blog. You're an inspiration to me and everyone that reads this. I hope you have a freakin' amazing 2010!
Sarah you will always be liked and loved. Keep up your strength and god bless you in 2010!
Just like your Mom, Badass!!!
Kudos to you Sarah, look forward to more posts in 2010. When you gonna post the Paris pix??
Oh, BTW I'm a Saab owner too!! A geek kinship...love it!
Had a kidney transplant in 2005. Got to take these freakin' pills twice a day. Forever. Went to Paris 2x with just enough to get me back. Always scary cause I didn't know what I'd do if I had to stay over and then ran out of pills. Now I know. Plastic Toy. Genius.
Another random stranger who likes your work and wishes you well.
Keep the faith kiddo.
It is good to see that you are taking on the new year head-on.
Keep up the good fight because the world needs a whole lot more people with the constitution of one Sarah Lane!
P.S.
Where does standing on Leo's back in your new Ugg boots rank in 'best moments ever'?
We follow your posts with love.
Have a great 2010.
You are an awesome person, you have gone thru many trials and you keep going, you are a strong women, an inspiration to all. Thanks for all you do, it sure brightens my day. And here to an awesome 2010!
I can't get enough of your humor. So subtle, yet so blatant. Seriously, I'm not like some of these other posters, I don't love you. I am, however, extremely fond of you.
I am so glad you are better. This world is such a better place with you in it. Now, what exactly were those resolutions?
Glad things are going well - and getting better for you! Keep dancing on those tables and writing great blogs... :)
"thinking about relapsing"....was that with the brain critters or drugs and alcohol?
Amazing person, you are.
God bless.
Glad to hear you're in high spirits for the new year.
I've had my own share of facing death type experiences when I had leukemia in 2003.
Eventually relapsing in 07 and requiring a bone marrow stem cell transplant.
I have been one of the lucky ones.
It still weirds me out sometimes that none of the blood in my body is my own,
and that, with two sets of DNA, I am a chimera.
I can definitely sympathize with just about everything you said.
It's pretty much impossible to come out of these types of experiences without
ending up a bit different.
It can give you a change of perspective that I would consider valuable.
I, too, was disappointed in some of the people I cared about, mostly due to a view of lack of support.
In hindsight I have learned it was mostly because they weren't sure how to react sometimes.
Regardless if it's the same in your case, my personal advice would be to try not to hold it against them.
I believe that facing the future with optimism is the best way forward, whatever may come.
Don't sweat the small stuff is a sentiment for the new year I can get behind.
I love you Sara Lane ...you will always bring a smile to my face sister!
PS Mom does and always has rocked ;)
I also went to the Washington Monument in 1990. That's not a euphemism, is it?
Sweat the small stuff because it is the only stuff you can do anything about.
Brian- haha, no, I really went there.
Everyone- you're all really nice people. and that's why i feel loved. thank you.
You are awesome Sarah!
I have go on a date with you and Jennifer Aniston at the same time on my list!
oh how i wish, lol
Thank-you for everything you do, you're my favorite tech pundit/entertainer and your quick wit is just amazing, drugs notwithstanding. If it's possible for thoughts to have power as some believe then I'm sure all of our thoughts are for you to flourish and prosper, mentally, physically and spiritually in the coming year.
Sarah, on Nov 2 ,2009 I went to my doctor because I had a high fever I couldn't shake for a week and pretty much felt like I had the worst cold of my life. He immediately summond an ambulance after about 3 min consultation with him and I was wisked to the hospital where I was told I had really bad pneumonia. That's about the last thing I remember until Nov 23rd at which time I "woke up " and was told I had H1N1 that devloped into pneumonia that casused what they call ARDS. I was in an induced coma and put on a ventilator for 17 days. When I came to I was in a bad way. I had lost 41 pounds and was physically and mentally effed up beyond belief ( mega understatement). I couldn't walk, my brain was slow and fuzzy. I can't even begin to tell you my tale of woes. I thought I would be impaired forever. I was told I had a very near death experience. I was in the hosptial until Dec 1 undergoing rehab. Now look at me. Up, out and about and back to work almost as if nothing happened. My point is HANG IN THERE. It's always darkest before dawn. Even when you think there is no light at the end of the tunnel , there is. All sappy I know ( Zzzz) I am not one for inspirational speech. I have never done anything remarkable in my life. I have never done anything that I set out to do. I run at the first sign of tough times. It's not in my fabric to ' hunker down' -- therefore, if I can make it then you can too!
I envy you a lot, Sarah. Not for what you have or anything, but for what it took dealing with what you've gone through and how you are as a person still. Very inspiring and I wish you the best of luck!
As always Sarah, you are f-ing awesome. Luv U!
Packing for a trip tomorrow; can't forget to take the med that will enable me to live the rest of my life normally. Kinda sucks, yeah; but a small price to pay, and it beats the alt...Life would be less interesting without you, TWIF, all that, so hang in there.
Wow Sarah!
I agree 2009 sucked so much!!!!!!!!! So far 2010 is much better! I'm so glad you are doing better and hope you have a much better year! And we all love you a lots...
-Rene
I truly hope you have an amazing year you so deserve it sarah
And to think my New Year's resolution is to sit next to Sarah Lane on a plane to Japan.
When I got sick, years ago, my body going crazy was just the beginning of the fun. I was also going pretty crazy myself from a combo of stress and drug side effects... And I had to deal with various friends and relatives who couldn't deal with me. All of a sudden I was scared and obsessed with morbid stuff and I was NO FUN at all, and as some of my loved ones started to get tired of me (or so it seemed at the time), it was really hard to take. People who haven't been through a serious illness have a hard time relating, especially if they're young. They have no frame of reference, so they can't understand why you just won't shut up about your health and your pain, and why you keep crying and pouting and carrying on. Years later my girlfriend got really sick, and even though I'd been through it myself, even I had a hard time dealing with the obsessive worrying and tantrums. Sick, scared people are hard to take, even if you know just what they've been through.
If somebody stood by you through all this, treasure them forever. And if somebody maybe wasn't as patient as they should have been, consider how you would've reacted if they got this sick, and it had never happened to you. Try to put their response in perspective. But if you know you would've been there for them, and they weren't there for you? F' them.
Hey Sarah. Wow... what a year kiddo. Last I checked in on you, you were traveling the word. Seems many things have changed since then. God, you gave us all quite a scare. I'm glad to see you are finally back in the up and up. I re-found you via youtube/revision were I found Patrick Norton. I got to wondering where and what happened to all my favorite host from The Screen Savers and it appears many (most) of you seem to be doing VERY well. Glad to see Leo doing well too and I may have to see what all this "TWiT" is about. ... Anybody got a new web cam going? ;p ... perhaps I should start animating some shots like the good ol days again in leoville. haha
Anyway... I really wanted to pass my best wishes to you, your mom, and all the old crew. We may not be a physical part of you daily life, but if you need a prayer, just say the word and I'll talk to my "connection" and see about sending you the best.
May the worse be behind you and the best await ahead of you.
<3 Brian (aka pringals)
This is awful but I just realized: broke up with now new-media superstar and Time magazine cover guy; quit job, and replacement now has major celebrity buzz, big budget movie roles and magazine covers; took a trip that ended in relationship ending, camera getting stolen and awful disease getting contracted. Eek. Love ya so much, hope the next four years are crazy better.
I've always enjoyed the one-way relationship we have had Miss Sarah, with these little tiny-weeny two-way spider threads going back to you. OK, that sounds creepy, back to just one-way. What about TWIF?
Dear "so horrible"-
Thank you very much for loving me, but you're looking at it all wrong. Really. The last four years have been adventurous and exciting. Ups and downs, yes, but horrible? No, just interesting.
As far as I know Kevin was never on the cover of Time. Would love to see that issue though.
Olivia deserves her success. I didn't want that for myself so I left. I would never be upset about someone working hard in the biz and getting what they want.
Awful disease was awful, and now is under control, and I'm a better person because of it.
Relationships end sometimes. it happens.
No pity, please. I'm doing great. I still work in new media, FWIW.
Love,
Sarah
ps- stolen camera was insured.
I was a dick for writing that. I'm glad you set me straight and I'd like to apologize for my dickishness. Not only are you 100% right, you ARE working in the coolest field to work in today. And I like you better than Munn any day - there's nothing wrong with her, and she's very funny - but your personality, I think, is much more engaging and personal. Sorry! And congrats on your success and for overcoming that crud! I hope my being rude doesn't make you less likely to blog, etc.
http://tinyurl.com/warrrd